FAQs About Being Emotionally Unavailable

Emotionally unavailable individuals tend to avoid intimacy and closeness. You can’t really get to know them or connect on a deep level because they don’t open up to you. They have trouble sharing their feelings, are unresponsive to yours, shy away from meaningful conversations or situations that would require them to be vulnerable, and tend to keep their interactions superficial.

What does it mean to be emotionally available?

Emotional availability is being able to share your inner life with another person, express your emotions openly and honestly, and allow the other person to do the same. It builds trust, fosters open communication, and creates a sense of intimacy and security that is key to a strong, healthy, lasting relationship.

What are the signs of emotional unavailability?

Avoiding intimacy Emotionally unavailable people tend to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, avoiding deep conversations that would require them to be vulnerable. This creates a barrier to intimacy, leading to misunderstandings, confusion, and a lack of emotional depth and connection in their relationships.

Keeping you at arm’s length An emotionally unavailable person may seem distant and uninterested in your life, prioritizing other things such as work or hobbies over spending time with you, and will find ways to push you away if he or she feels you are getting too close.

Inconsistency An emotionally unavailable partner sends mixed messages and may engage with you in unpredictable ways – sometimes affectionate and involved, sometimes distant and unresponsive – which can create confusion and insecurity in the relationship.

Avoidant behavior An emotionally unavailable person’s discomfort with emotional closeness may lead him or her to engage in avoidant behavior such as canceling plans at the last minute, making excuses to avoid social events, shying away from deep conversations, or physically withdrawing from a situation if things start to get emotionally intense.

Lack of empathy An emotionally unavailable partner is unable to understand or relate to other people’s emotions. He or she may act indifferent to your feelings, pull away and disengage from the conversation if you start sharing them, and fail to offer comfort or support during difficult times.

Avoiding commitments Emotionally unavailable people have trouble making commitments, prefer to keep their options open and just hang out rather than make concrete plans, and resist taking significant steps in a relationship, such as labeling it as exclusive, discussing future plans, or initiating a next step.

Focusing on the physical or superficial Emotionally unavailable partners tend to prioritize physical intimacy over deeper connection, and may engage in activities that provide instant gratification, while avoiding serious conversations or shared emotional experiences.

Can someone be emotionally unavailable and not realize it?

Yes, many emotionally unavailable people are unaware of their own emotional unavailability. It can be difficult to recognize in oneself because it is not necessarily a conscious choice. They just see themselves as being independent or unemotional.

What causes a person to be emotionally unavailable?

Several factors can contribute to a person being emotionally unavailable, such as past trauma, personality traits, attachment style, mental health challenges, and societal expectations that discourage emotional expression – especially in men.

The number one cause, however, is a subconscious fear of intimacy and vulnerability that is deeply rooted in early childhood wounds created by unmet needs. Emotional unavailability becomes a defense mechanism to protect themselves from more pain and keep others at a distance to prevent being hurt or rejected.

Can childhood experiences lead to emotional unavailability?

Children who experience neglect, abuse, or abandonment from their primary caregiver often build emotional walls for self-protection. They carry their fear of being vulnerable and trusting others with their emotions into adulthood, where it manifests as being emotionally unavailable.

Another way this can happen is when children grow up in a family where emotions are not openly discussed, showing them is considered a sign of weakness, and/or they are criticized if they express their feelings, so they learn to suppress them and carry this habit into their adult relationships.

What impact does emotional unavailability have on relationships?

The lack of emotional intimacy and open communication that results when one partner is emotionally unavailable can lead the other partner to feel undervalued, unsupported, and lonely. The lack of emotional connection creates distance, frustration, and confusion, and can lead to increased conflict, disagreements, and misunderstandings that eventually erode the foundation of the relationship.

Why do I attract emotionally unavailable people?

Attracting emotionally unavailable partners is not something random or coincidental. Typically, there are hidden factors behind the pattern, such as the following.

Like attracts like One common factor that may be causing you to attract emotionally unavailable people is the mirror effect, where you attract partners who reflect aspects of yourself. You may be emotionally unavailable and, whether consciously or subconsciously, are speaking the same language.

Invalidating yourself You may lack clarity about your own needs and boundaries, and constantly relinquish them instead of validating yourself. As a result, you will attract people who are dismissive of your feelings as well because they see you doing it to yourself.

Comfort of the familiar Emotionally unavailable people may provide a subconscious comfort zone rooted in past experiences. If, for instance, you grew up in a family where expressing your emotions was discouraged, you might subconsciously find yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable partners because they feel comfortingly familiar.

What does being emotionally unavailable feel like?

Being emotionally unavailable can feel like a barrier between you and your emotions that you can’t break through. You feel disconnected from others and even from your own feelings, tend to go through the motions in relationships without being fully present or invested, and struggle to respond authentically to someone else’s feelings.

You may want love and connection on a surface level, but deep down, there’s a fear of intimacy that keeps you from getting too close, and you feel overwhelmed by your partner’s emotional needs.

How do I know if I am emotionally unavailable?

Some signs you may be emotionally unavailable include:

• keeping people at arm’s length even when you like them
• resistance to opening up emotionally or exposing your vulnerabilities
• backing out of commitment; finding excuses to cancel plans
• feeling uncomfortable when conversations become too personal, and changing the subject or using humor to deflect or avoid a serious discussion
• preferring to keep your options open rather than committing to an exclusive relationship
• not wanting to change your life to fit someone else’s
• having a hard time trusting others, even if they have never given you any cause not to.

Can emotional unavailability be overcome?

Yes, emotional unavailability is something you can work on and overcome with self-awareness and practice. It does, however, take effort and patience.

The first step is to understand what being emotionally unavailable is, recognize and acknowledge the signs, and be willing to commit to working on developing new ways of relating to people, with the help of therapy if needed.

A trained mental health professional can help you identify fears and past experiences causing you to be emotionally unavailable and help you break through the emotional walls you have erected, as well as learn healthier ways of managing and expressing your feelings so you can connect emotionally with others and build stronger, more resilient, and fulfilling relationships.

How should I best deal with an emotionally unavailable partner?

The first step is to recognize that their emotional distance is not your fault, and the next is that you can’t fix them. You can offer support and encouragement, but they need to recognize their issue and be willing to change. It’s a personal journey and process they need to go through on their own, and not something you can force.

Talk to him or her about how their behavior is affecting you and that connecting emotionally is important. Approach the conversation with empathy and use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Clearly express your emotional needs and establish boundaries around hurtful behaviors, like being dismissed or ignored when you try to share your feelings.

Don’t get so wrapped up in your partner’s needs that you lose sight of your own. Prioritize self-care, and do things you enjoy that make you feel happy, to recharge your energy and help you maintain a sense of balance in your relationship.

If you have questions or need more help than this article could provide, please give us a call.