Couples Counseling Alone: Should You Go When Your Spouse Won’t?

When you think about couples counseling, it may conjure ideas of you and your husband or wife making a concerted effort to improve your marriage. Hopefully, that is how it goes. But what happens when your spouse quits going or doesn’t want to go at all?

Going to couples counseling alone can feel awkward or like a waste of time. But here are five reasons we think it’s important to hang in there and consider going on your own.

Couples counseling can shift your mindset

While you think about couples counseling as counseling two people, it can also help you work on areas of the marriage in which you have a good deal of ownership. For example, are you career-focused, excited to climb the corporate ladder, and always ready for the next work assignment? That’s amazing, and hard work should be rewarded. But it can come at a cost if it’s impacting your spouse negatively.

This is an area where seeing a couple’s counselor may shed some light on an area you’ve always deemed positive, but perhaps your spouse has other thoughts. Maybe your spouse hasn’t been able to communicate that he or she doesn’t feel seen or known when you’re scoring new clients or traveling extensively.

When you approach a couples counseling appointment on your own, be honest. Tell your counselor what your hopes are for the counseling sessions and provide an accurate context of any issues that are continually popping up in the marriage. If you and your spouse keep having the same argument over and over, for instance, it’s good to look deeper by sharing that conversation with your counselor.

Couples counseling may refine your communication skills

Even if your spouse chooses not to continue or not to attend counseling with you at all, you can learn about your communication style from a counselor who specializes in couples counseling. Anytime we learn about our communication weaknesses and work to strengthen those areas, it will benefit our relationships.

Whether your spouse recognizes it or not, your willingness to put the effort in to make incremental changes in how you speak to him or her can move the needle. It may not happen immediately, but learning to share with your spouse in a way that is reasonable, respectful, and refusing to give in to temptations to shout or shut him or her out is a win.

Over time, your spouse may recognize that you’ve changed a few things and be more open to hearing you or taking the time to find out how you’ve learned your new skills.

Counseling can equip you with reflection questions

When a marriage feels unsalvageable, or you’re questioning if you even want to be in the marriage, it’s not the time to give up just yet. Seeing a couple’s counselor can help you evaluate what you started out desiring in the relationship, what you want now, and what you’re willing to work at for the future you imagined.

It’s also helpful to get an outsider’s view as you reflect to make sure you’re not taking in any unhelpful attitudes or perspectives about yourself or your spouse. A counselor can act as a mirror to help you see what you weren’t able to see on your own.

Whether you come to the conclusion that you want to fight for the relationship and try your best to reconcile or not, the counseling will give you a clearer view of your values and how they line up with your commitments.

Couples counseling may help you identify marriage issues

Imagine this scenario: You got married a little over a year ago, and it’s been everything you had dreamed of ever since. Your spouse works regular hours, as do you, and you’re both fulfilled in the careers you have right now.

You’re financially wise, and you have spending habits that are consistent with your financial success, but you also work toward mutual goals together. You’re planning for a fun trip, or you both recognize the value of family, and life is humming along just fine.

But soon enough, you feel your spouse pulling away, spending a few late nights at the office, and the time you’ve held open for date nights or after-work talks about your day is not as frequent. You try to convince yourself it’s nothing, just a busy work season. But every time you bring it up, your spouse seems tired and aggravated, unwilling to talk.

You’re not sure if there’s really an issue to solve, or maybe you’re just reading too much into your spouse’s response. How do you know for sure?

Seeing a counselor who has a specific emphasis in couples counseling or marital therapy is a good call to make. Even if it’s just the initial session, a trained marital counselor can help in ways that an individual therapist may not be trained to provide.

A couple’s counseling session involves a no-secrets policy when both spouses are committed to attendance. So, if your spouse isn’t willing or thinks there isn’t an issue, that’s okay. Just provide what you know. Your couple’s counselor is able to ask questions about the relationship to identify what’s healthy, if there are any family of origin coping mechanisms that need to be examined, and more.

We always recommend that both spouses try to attend the therapy sessions together because it’s easier for a counselor to recognize communication patterns or erroneous beliefs that are swaying you and your spouse too far to one side of the relationship. But if your spouse isn’t ready, it’s okay to start on your own.

Couples counseling has helped many marriages where one spouse started the process and was eventually joined by the other spouse. When you are committed to seeing the truth about how you relate (in both helpful and unhelpful ways), you will transform, and many times, a spouse will sit up and take notice.

It can encourage you in your faith

If you’d like to see a Christian couple’s counselor, you may benefit even more than you would if you saw someone who doesn’t share your faith principles. When you embark on a healing journey that includes your faith, you’re more likely to believe that God can heal your marriage.

Even if you don’t think your marriage is in major disrepair, a Christian perspective offered by a Christ-following counselor is the best of both worlds. A counselor can offer the wisdom of psychological study and years of practice, while he or she can also remind you of the larger story. God is for you, and He’s for your marriage.

Christian counselors are accustomed to helping bring unity to a marital relationship, but not at the expense of either person. They’re equipped to help you look at the roots of common marital issues, whether it’s uneven expectations, an imbalance in partner roles and responsibilities, or a perception based on one or both of you having a difficult family of origin.

Seeing a Christian counselor can also incorporate Scripture and theological beliefs, such as forgiveness and hearing from God.

If you’d like someone to pray for your marriage, seeing a Christian couple’s counselor is a wise place to start. While your specific faith practices may differ, you can speak freely of your faith. It’s an important place in your marriage, knowing that your counselor holds to the same basic beliefs and wants to see God’s best for your relationship.

Looking for reconciliation and restoration is important. A Christian counselor will also be aiming with you for the same unity and restorative power in your marriage. If you’re interested in seeing a couple’s counselor, even if your spouse isn’t ready, reach out to us today!

We’d love to remind you that there’s hope.