How to Recognize and Fix a Toxic Relationship

How to fix a toxic relationship is an easy question to ask. The difficulty is in answering it in a way that enables it to transform into a healthy one. While you may be familiar with the term or even hear it used in a casual, flippant manner, it is not acceptable to be stuck in a toxic relationship as they generally occur when people are trapped in harmful relational patterns and cycles.

Despite their toxicity, couples who have begun to relate in a toxic manner are not repelled but meshed together in a way that is difficult to break out of, and even more difficult to solve. But there is good news. Experts suggest that determined effort, time investments, and the required amount of self-awareness will mean that both people in the relationship become willing to change and accept responsibility to improve the relationship.

Before we look at what to remember when investigating how to fix a toxic relationship, it is important to consider whether or not a toxic relationship is too far gone.

Prepare Yourself for Hard Work

Like toxic sludge, toxic relationships can be cleaned up but both partners are required to reflect deeply on their individual roles within the relationship, communicate honestly, and be open to the possibility of receiving professional help.

Turning a toxic relationship healthy means is possible but only with a lot of individual growth. By closely considering your thoughts, words, and actions both you and your partner can start on the journey together. If you are yet to be married and one or neither of you is prepared to do the work required, then it is worthwhile taking a pause and deciding whether or not to continue in the relationship.

Please note: A relationship where you or your partner is exposed to any physical violence or emotional abuse requires third-party intervention in the short term. You owe it to yourself, your partner, and the relationship to enlist and accept help. If you ever physically hurt your partner or expose them to chronic verbal aggression then contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or a local helpline as soon as possible. If you receive abuse, it is important that you reach out for help.

Strengthen Yourself Before Confrontation

If you know that any discussion with your partner about how to fix a toxic relationship and apply it to your circumstances will be resisted, then it is important that you are in a good, strong place.

The key to a successful conversation is being assured and confident within yourself that you will manage should they abandon the relationship, or if the conversation takes the turn where you both decide to end it together. Experts suggest if you are not in that place start by getting the help you need so that you are entering into the dialogue on your terms.

A person who fosters and ensnares others in a toxic relationship will likely know whether or not their partner is serious about seeking reform. If you are not prepared to leave the relationship there is often very little incentive for your partner to modify their behavior.

Confront the Lie of Sticks and Stones

The children’s retort, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is as inaccurate as it is juvenile. Ask yourself when you last heard, or said, words of accusation, unfair demands, hurtful criticisms, or sweeping blame from your partner. If this is the style of communication in the relationship then it is imperative that you discuss this with your partner and figure out how to end this downward spiral of communication.

When either of you falls into this familiar toxic pattern then it is useful to call a time-out and reflect on how an aggressive confrontational communication style throws fuel on the fire. Recognize that you and your partner share a valuable relationship but that it is being undermined by a destructive and habitual communication style. This objectification of your shared dialogue helps you both to share a common ground that provides the building blocks to bridge the gaps and help connect the two of you.

Turn From Passive to Assertive

If you find that some topics or behavior are too sensitive to mention, then they cannot be dealt with, and these stagnant areas can breed resentment. Your fear of your partner’s response is a key indicator that they cause you anxiety. In a relationship, it is normal for both people to express themselves in a way they feel comfortable with and to be able to discuss things that make them feel uncomfortable.

There is the chance that with existing poor communication habits your partner is unaware of the behavior. They may be experiencing the same.

Just as you invest your time in the relationship it is important not to ignore your internal voice, but to let it speak and express your feelings. You will likely find that as you practice speaking about your point of view, instead of creating distance through disagreement as you fear, the relationship is made healthier as you trust the other person to respect your point of view. Be sure to ask that they take what you say seriously and understand how their behavior affects you.

Be Half the Relationship

A relationship is made of two people, each entitled to contribute equally to the relationship. To better understand how to fix a toxic relationship experts believe one person does not respect themselves or their individual needs enough. The person bullied in a toxic relationship will often find their opinions are not given due regard and they often act in a way contrary to their desires.

If you are shrinking into the background, you can find your voice and speak up so you interrupt this downward spiral. This is your role in turning things around. As you assist your partner to recognize their toxic tendencies – which will include behaviors, feelings, and triggers – you need to commit to being all you can be in the relationship rather than a wallflower.

Ask for Help

Both you and your partner may realize how you bully or enable the other, but do not know how to get out of it. One or both of you feel worse in the relationship than out of it. Various elements of either of you may be affected. These include self-image, confidence, resilience, and anxiety in addition to a lack of stability. You may also feel like you are always pushing hard to feel better, but instead of making progress, you are going around in circles.

A sign of a healthy relationship is that the love shared by the couple is not earned, but rather given. The intrinsic self-worth of each person is loved and respected. If this stage feels like a mirage on the horizon of a toxic relationship desert then it may be advised to ask for professional help to bring you both to a healthier place.

A trained professional counselor will understand which elements of the relationship are worn away and why, and they will also provide a valuable outside perspective. Importantly they are trained to create a healing environment and to interrupt the downward spiral of a toxic relationship, turning it around into a virtuous cycle of a kind, loving relationship.

Christian Counseling to Better Recognize and Know How to Fix a Toxic Relationship

If you’re looking for additional help to learn how to fix a toxic relationship browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to schedule an appointment. We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.