Why Am I So Angry All the Time? Practical Tips to Overcome Anger

The Heart Angle

It is important to discuss anger from a heartfelt perspective, although anger is not known for being a heartfelt emotion. When a person asks why they are so angry all the time, the root cause may not be known, so the question will only be partially answered.

The root cause for a great deal of the anger that is experienced derives from issues or matters of the heart. There is a saying that says there is a thin line between love and hate. Indeed, it is so thin that at times their distance from one another is small.

As a therapist, I have found that when anger is unpacked, it often stems from heartbreak caused by disappointment, loss, grief, lack of progress, feelings of failure, rejection, abandonment, and even a lack of felt love. Anger is often telling you what you are avoiding.

Emotions are the byproduct of the deeper symptoms. What is going on in your heart that is portraying itself as anger? To answer this question, we must go underneath. Your anger is trying to tell you something. The question is: what? This is often what is occurring.

• There is hurt without clarity.
• Undealt-with rejection.
• Unhealed abandonment.
• You may be feeling powerless.
• You may be feeling ignored.
• You may have tolerated something for too long.
• You may be feeling stuck.
• You may even be angry because there is a truth somewhere in your life that you have been unwilling or unable to confront.

Take the time to consider each thought. Allow it to sit with you.

Anger and Our Relationship with the Truth

I believe a great deal of anger can be connected to our relationship with truth. Sometimes we are angry because we cannot tell the truth. Sometimes we are angry because we do not want to face the truth. Sometimes we are angry because we are not living according to what we know is true.

Then there are times when we are angry because someone else told us the truth and we were not ready to hear it. The truth can be uncomfortable. Truth can seem threatening. Truth can even seem insulting without the intention of being so.

Maybe you continue saying yes to people when you really want to push back. Yet the deeper problem may not be that people keep asking. The deeper problem may be that you have not been honest about what you can handle. You have trouble admitting your limitations, and you would rather die than have anyone perceive a weakness.

Perhaps you are angry about your lack of professional progression. You are feeling overlooked by your superiors and undervalued. You resent your coworkers for getting what you deserve. You used to love your company and once saw a future there. But now you dread work mornings. Deep down, you know it is time to make a change, but fear has prevented you from making a change.

Truth will also require you to acknowledge when you have participated in your own frustration. There are times when we remain in situations long after we know something must change. Nevertheless, we become angry with people for crossing boundaries we have never verbalized or enforced.

We may even become irritated when others do not recognize needs that we have never expressed. Standing toe to toe with truth means asking yourself what part of the situation belongs to you. That moment may be uncomfortable, but it can help show us where we still have the power to move differently.

Your anger is real. But so is the hurtful and hard-to-face truth underneath it. Jesus said that the truth would make us free. Freedom has never begun with pretending. Freedom requires us to become willing to see what is there. Sometimes anger increases because we are fighting reality that we feel helpless to change.

Think About It, You May Not Be Angry About Today

A major reason why anger can feel disproportionate is that the current situation is carrying the weight of several previous situations. Someone does something tiny, and in return you respond enormously. Ever wonder when you became so upset? The other person may wonder the same thing.

The answer could be that you were not only responding to what happened today, because that is all you can see in the moment. However, you neglected to really comprehend that you were responding to every time you felt overlooked. Not to mention every time you were disappointed, or for each time a promise was broken, or for each conversation that went unresolved.

Think about it, you may not be angry about today, but for every moment you have decided not to say anything. Your anger had been accumulating when experiences that you had in your life were not properly processed. This is why it is not unusual to encounter some people going from zero to one hundred over something that appears insignificant.

The current situation may simply be the final place where everything else came to a head. In those intense moments, ask yourself, “What else am I responding to right now?” The answer could separate today’s frustration from yesterday’s wound.

Practical Tips to Overcome Anger

The goal of overcoming anger is not to become a person who never gets angry. This is unrealistic and not maintainable. The key to overcoming anger is learning how to recognize what your anger is revealing before it begins attempting to take center stage. Your anger becomes more manageable when you have practical steps that can help you move from reacting to your anger toward understanding it and responding differently.

Identify what is happening beneath the anger Instead of “I am upset,” finish the sentence: “I am angry because I felt…” Permit yourself to go above and beyond what may have been your obvious answer. Were you feeling ashamed? Did you feel disregarded? Did you feel powerless? Remember, naming what is at the root of your anger will aid you in understanding what really needs your attention,

Start separating what you can change from what you cannot control Ask: “What am I avoiding?” You may already know what needs to be changed. The hard part may be accepting what that truth may require from us.

Do not shut down speaking what you feel sooner Do not make silence carry something until anger has to announce it. You cannot control another person’s choices. You can control what you participate in. You can decide what you will tolerate. You can also determine what access someone will continue to have to you.

Examine your expectations Determine what was conveyed. Do not make silence carry something until anger has to announce it. Learn to communicate frustration while it is still frustration. Not everything requires confrontation, but important matters should not continually be buried.

Decide what you should be grieving instead of correcting Some things cannot be fixed. They must be mourned. Some things cannot be fixed. They must be mourned. You may be trying to get an apology you will never receive or attempting to change something that has already happened. Grief may be necessary where correction is no longer possible.

Choose what your anger will yield Let it lead to a boundary, conversation, decision, healing work, or change rather than damage. Anger has energy attached to it. Decide where that energy will go. Your anger can destroy something or reveal what needs to be different. The responsibility is deciding what happens next.