Eight Essential Topics to Cover In Christian Premarital Counseling, Part 1

Part 1 of a 3-Part Essential Topics for Premarital Series

Building Intimacy Through Premarital Counseling

It is a great idea to ask good questions of people in strong marriages; people who have stayed in love even when they have not felt in love. One thing these people will tell you is that in marriage, your love grows deeper each year. I have heard this from wise persons all my life, and now I have found it to be certain. It is a fact that one develops a bond to someone they go through adventures with; the two come to know each other in a deep way.

Every day in marriage is a day you become mysteriously closer to your partner – it’s designed this way! Another thing you’ll hear from vitalized marriages: “we learn about each other constantly – it doesn’t stop.” So when you’re starting, there’s a lot to learn!

Easing Into the Unknown

Christian Premarital Counseling is helpful in getting things in the open and discussed that can otherwise go unknown and unsaid. But it also develops a habit, a lifestyle of getting to know each other. Personally, I’ve found that even when I’m investing hours a week 1-on-1 with my wife – getting to know her and working through things with her – I never run out of things to know and do, and fun to have. And the investment has always brought me more blessing than it cost.

Over the next few articles, I will be exploring eight of the most common topics you’ll discuss in premarital counseling – the best places to start your journey of knowing each other. These topics are not chosen for developing intimacy, but for addressing important issues that are often avoided or not anticipated. Your adventure together will be harder if these core topics come up for the first time through conflict.

Communication: The Cornerstone of Your Relationship

Asking good questions will, without a doubt, lead you to this universal maxim: “Communication is the key.” Communication is how you engage your partner – stay on the same page, share thoughts and experiences, simply converse, or work through hard moments. This basically means talking to your partner. And it is easily the single most important aspect of premarital counseling; and of your coming marriage. Without communication, there is no relationship. Your level of communication guides your relationship vitality.

For guys, the key is often simply needing to communicate at all; conversing instead of sitting quietly, and processing when there is conflict (instead of shutting down communication lines – called stonewalling). Conversely, ladies, it is important to take care in choosing words because men tend to work from an economy of honor. Obviously, both apply to both partners – learn to communicate often and to do so with honor and love. James 3, in the Word of God, talks about how powerful words are – this is only amplified in marriage. Premarital counseling should provide insight on different paradigms of communicating and interpreting (e.g., women might interpret silence as ‘something’s wrong,’ and men might interpret expressing worry as a personal attack), active listening so that the other feels heard (e.g., ‘so you feel like I’m telling you that you’re not allowed to feel?’), and using words to express rather than attack (e.g., ‘when you talk about money fears, I feel like you’re calling me unworthy’).

Conflict Management: How to Disagree Lovingly

Conflict does not mean “fight.” Trying to avoid fighting is a great goal, but differences and the difficulty of navigating them are unavoidable. Sometimes a partner comes from a family where any form of arguing is forbidden, and some come from families where arguing is a regular part of connecting and working together (see number 3). The art of ‘fighting well’ – not fighting to win, but engaging conflict to find win-win solutions and uphold each other in honor, is what I wrote my undergraduate thesis on, specifically in the context of premarital counseling.

Regardless of how well you communicate, putting two people, two schedules, and two homes together for life, is hard – be prepared for conflict to come. Be ready to show grace especially when you are trying to leave the house together, when you are waiting for each other, when you are hungry and/or tired, around the topic of chores, and when sensitive issues are raised (your own, unique ‘buttons’ that are good to know and important to respect). In premarital counseling, a couple might make ground-rules for arguing – these prevent blow-ups and storm-outs and set expectations for how conflict is approached. (E.g., count to 10 when you feel like shouting, no walking out on an argument, take a mutual break for several minutes to an hour if we’re starting to fight, and come back calm.) One trick is to find ‘the dream within the conflict’: both parties want something in a conflict, and very often this desire is actually a beneficial and mutually agreeable goal that unites the couple against the problem. Another trick is to never deal with conflict over text!

Christian Premarital Counseling Starts Your Marriage Right

While it may feel like you know your partner inside and out, discussing these topics will undoubtedly help bring you and your future spouse even closer together. Yet in the weeks and months leading to a wedding, it is easy for couples to become so wrapped up in planning the “big day” that they neglect to prepare for the rest of their lives. Premarital counseling offers couples an opportunity to put each other – and the marriage – first. A Christian marriage counselor can help facilitate conversation about the essential topics to guarantee that you and your spouse start your marriage right. To learn more about the other topics that you and your partner should discuss before marriage, please see the next article in this series. In the meantime, I invite you to contact me to learn more about Seattle Christian Counseling. One of our many qualified and enthusiastic Christian counselors would be delighted to journey with you and your partner as you seek to grow in intimacy and prepare for a lifetime of love and commitment to one another.

Photos
freedigitalphotos.net – Loving Handsome Couple Relaxing” by photostock and “Handshake” by xedos4