Facing and Finding Healing from Family Rifts

Family is a word that might conjure pleasant memories of connection and laughter, or perhaps it brings to mind feelings of sadness, grief, and loss. Families experience many things together. This can include going through experiences like family rifts. These can be challenging moments and seasons for a family.

For many, family functions as a source and foundation of much-needed support, bringing a sense of belonging, love, and connection. Family should be where you’re known, loved, and accepted. It’s where you first learn what to make of God’s world and your place in it. Even in the healthiest situations and where a family is close, conflict can still occur. Such conflict can escalate, deepen, and become a rift.

If a family rift occurs, recognizing the rift and having skills to repair it can be a blessing. Understanding that conflict can be shaped in at least two different ways: 1) person-to-person, 2) person-to-self.

Person-to-person may be a communication issue, as though you are not understood. Person-to-self may be interpreted as an internal struggle that impacts someone’s ability emotionally to connect, based on their sense of belonging or not being a part of something, not feeling good enough, smart enough.

Family rifts – what are they?

All families experience conflict and disagreements. When people with different personalities, interests, relational skills, priorities, and communication skills are together, things can go awry. Another factor that is often disregarded is the change in the relationship due to distance, family members moving away, and not staying in touch. Just because you are blood relatives doesn’t mean you like one another. Transition in space and time affects some relationships.

While all families have their conflicts and disagreements, a family rift goes beyond such simple arguments or differences of opinion. A family rift is a deeper, more prolonged experience of tension, lack of communication, or estrangement between family members. The rift may be between two family members, or it might even involve entire branches of a family.

Family rifts are not new; they started in Genesis, when Cain killed his brother Abel, and the first parents grieved over the loss of their innocent son Abel. In Genesis 25:23, between Esau and Jacob. The differences started in their mother’s womb. God said there would be two nations. Issac loved Esau, and Rebekah loved Jacob. Division in the family began early. Rebekah was willing to deceive Issac, not considering the cost of deception. A family rift.

The brothers held animosity against each other for years. Esau and Jacob did reconcile, but many years had passed since they saw one another face to face. Healing is possible with repentance and forgiveness.

Other examples include King David and his son Absalom, also a half-brother who raped his half-sister, then an angry, rebellious son, who tried to take over his father’s throne. The broken heart of David and his passionate love for his son.

Throughout the Old and New Testaments, family struggles exist. It costs more to hold a grudge than to hope to resolve an injury in the family. Today, families have rifts over technology, music, television programs, and where to shop.

This is also a reflection of family values in today’s culture. We say family is an integral part of society. Yet the development of healthy family relationships does require honesty, emotional safety, trust, and healthy boundaries. Otherwise, how can you love well?

When a family rift occurs, it could also take the form of emotional disconnection, like when people stop sharing their lives, hopes, dreams, or interests with each other. The relationships can become formal and lack closeness or investment in each other’s lives.

Some Signs That Your Family Has a Rift

A family rift may occur in small, subtle ways, or it can show up in bold and obvious ways that are hard to ignore. Sometimes, though, it can be easy to mistake a rift for a mere spat. Recognizing what is happening and taking action can help remedy the situation.

Understanding the signs of a family rift can help you take steps early to address it. Are the family members seen, heard, and understood? Are you united in core family values, acknowledged, loved, and supported? It doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything,

Some of the more common signs of a family rift include the following:

A lack of communication If conversation drifts toward being infrequent, superficial, or ceases entirely, that is a sign of a family rift.

Ongoing or persistent resentment Things pass between family members, and some of these things can be cause for hurt or anger. If feelings of unresolved anger or bitterness linger even with the passage of time, that also suggests a family rift.

Avoidance If family members persistently avoid each other at family gatherings, or if they stop attending altogether for one reason or another, there could be a family rift.

Emotional distance If family members maintain emotional detachment from one another, even when they are in the same space, that could suggest a family rift. That is more so the case if the family members aren’t naturally detached or distant from others, or if it wasn’t always that way in how they related to one another.

3^rd party mediation More often than not, even when people are going through a tough time, they will still communicate with each other. Such communication isn’t always easygoing or comfortable. However, if it gets to the point where family members no longer communicate directly, but instead through others, that strongly points to a family rift.

Why Family Rifts Occur

Family rifts can occur for myriad reasons and in widely varying circumstances. A family rift can extend for generations without being resolved, a carry-over from a potentially long-forgotten first cause. In some instances, the rift is thus inherited. It feels like a reflex, part of how the family operates, with a line drawn between them and us.

A family rift may also be traceable to a specific issue or event, and these may include betrayals of trust. That betrayal could be from infidelity, a breach of confidence, or dishonesty.

These can cause significant damage to relationships, and a rift can form between the parties involved, as well as others who get involved or take sides. Resentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, my way or the highway (pride) is a killer. Going back to Our Values will impact our decision-making,

Conflicts can also arise over inheritance, wills, and the disposition of family assets and resources. Long-standing tensions can arise around family wealth, who gets what, and why.

Family members aren’t the same, and that includes generational differences as well as differences in outlook. They may have differing values and lifestyles attached to those values, like religious, political, or lifestyle choices.

When there isn’t a healthy respect for differences, it can result in deep division between family members. The question is, is what I’m thinking life-changing or life-threatening? Do I understand that God has me in this family for a reason? I am not here by accident. Lord, what is my purpose?

Every family has things from the past. There are also unresolved past conflicts that can fester and resurface later in life. These include sibling rivalries, feelings of unfair treatment or experiences of hypocrisy in the family, or the ways resources and responsibilities aren’t fairly dished out.

If there are significant health or similar issues in the family, these can result in strain if they aren’t well-managed. Mental health crises or addiction issues can be overwhelming for a family, causing strain as family members try to navigate a difficult time. If a family isn’t careful, wise, and thoughtful, such situations can lead to blame and feelings of frustration and helplessness.

Finding Healing from Family Rifts

When a family experiences a rift, that can be a painful reality. Losing connection with loved ones can be devastating. However, family rifts aren’t insurmountable obstacles. By acknowledging your present circumstances, understanding the underlying causes of the rift, and taking steps to resolve the situation, it’s possible to find healing. Broken or fractured relationships can be mended.

Not every rift can be mended entirely, but by nurturing a culture of respect and empathy, as well as clear and open communication can go a long way in preventing future conflict from getting that far.

The importance of having a family and positive support in life’s journey is most important; God created the family unit. Mending a family rift takes patient effort and the willingness to hear others and their perspectives. Steps that can help you and your family mend rifts include:

Being empathetic and understanding It’s important that you understand, or attempt to understand, the situation from the other person’s point of view. This, in combination with honest, non-judgmental conversations, can help you to understand each other and express your feelings without assigning blame.

Set boundaries Your boundaries are your limits. Being clear about what’s appropriate and what you can handle or manage can be a huge help in relating to each other with love. Healthy boundaries can help you set and manage expectations of each other, which can be crucial for preventing future conflicts.

Practicing forgiveness It can be hard to let go of feelings of resentment, particularly when they’ve built up over time. It isn’t easy, but forgiveness is a necessary step as you move toward reconciliation. Forgiving the other person doesn’t mean you’re not holding them accountable, nor are you condoning their harmful behaviors. Instead, forgiving is about releasing yourself from carrying resentment toward them.

Pursue consistent action and presence One of the things that accompanies a rift is the loss of trust. Rebuilding that trust takes time and a consistent show of effort. Showing up consistently for each other can make a difference.

Seek mediation and professional support If your family finds itself at an impasse, the best solution could be to seek help from a neutral third party, like a mediator who can help facilitate productive conversations. Additionally, a therapist can also provide support as your family makes sense of the rift and tries to heal it.

Through therapy, you and your family can learn skills such as effective communication, conflict resolution, nurturing your emotional intelligence, and being flexible so that you remain open to change and compromise.

Through healthy self-reflection, you can recognize how, as individuals, you may be contributing to the conflict arising in the family and chart a way forward. Give yourselves time, and be patient, allowing time for healing to occur without rushing the process. With help from a Christian family therapist, you and your family can begin addressing the issues behind the rift and move toward healthier relationships.

Contact our reception team today to learn more about how therapy can help you and your family move toward healing.