Signs of Codependency in a Friendship

Someone once said that “A true friend is not someone we have chosen for ourselves, but rather someone God has placed in our lives for a purpose.” A true friend really is a blessing, and Scripture has many verses that speak to this blessing. Proverbs 27:6 (ESV) says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” Even when a friend wounds you by telling you a painful truth, that’s preferable to kisses from an enemy.

The people we call friends are our chosen family, and they can have a profound influence on our lives. These are the people who celebrate our wins with us, who cheer us on especially when we’re in a discouraging space. They are the ones who grieve with us when we experience loss. They can tell us hard truths that are difficult to swallow but that need airing. In short, having and being a good friend to others is a blessing.

However, just as there are healthy and good friendships that are a blessing and lead to flourishing for the people in those relationships, there are also unhealthy friendships. There are many ways for a friendship to be unhealthy. One common way is for a codependent dynamic to exist between the friends. Codependency can undermine the well-being and growth of the people in a relationship.

Signs of codependency

Codependency is a hot topic for good reason. For one thing, codependent tendencies often mask themselves and are hard to detect. They can be masked as selflessness. For instance, a loved one who always thinks of others before themselves, putting the needs of others before their own, can seem like a good friend. Surely there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

Often, what lies behind that selflessness is the issue. At times, it is a desperate bid to maintain harmony in the relationship. At other times, continually reaching out to help someone when they’re in trouble could be out of fear of losing that person’s love. Neglecting one’s own needs and well-being to meet the needs of others out of a sense of duty or obligation is unhealthy. It can enable destructive patterns.

Codependency is about an unhealthy reliance on other people, and drawing one’s sense of validation, self-worth, and identity from that relationship. A codependent person derives their identity and sense of purpose from helping and being helpful. The dynamic is unhealthy for both people.

At its root, codependency is about having poor boundaries. The lines that demarcate where you end, and the other person begins get blurred. Your identities become enmeshed. It’s common for a codependent person to then lose themselves in the needs and desires of the other person. That other person becomes their entire world. When that happens, it’s easy to neglect one’s own needs and the needs of others, with detrimental effects.

Signs of codependency in relationship

When a person is codependent, it can lead to exhaustion and frustration from constantly meeting the needs of others without focusing on one’s own. It also often results in a desire to control others, which can itself be frustrating for everyone involved. Codependency can develop through a combination of factors. Some of these can be rooted in experiences prior to the relationship itself.

A person can have an unhealthy attachment style from experiences in their childhood that lead to issues such as fear of abandonment, requiring control, or an excessive need for validation from others. Other factors include having unresolved trauma, which can lead to adopting codependent behaviors as a coping mechanism.

Having low self-esteem and struggles with self-worth, which can lead to people-pleasing or being overly dependent on others, also plays a role. When a person has poorly defined or nonexistent boundaries, it allows for overdependence on others and ignoring one’s own needs in favor of someone else’s. Also, codependency may stem from societal expectations, family dynamics, or financial dependence on others.

Other factors that play a role are when there are unbalanced dynamics in the relationship, such as when one person has an addiction and needs to be taken care of. One person takes on a caretaker or rescuer role, while the other becomes dependent. When people have poor communication and tend to avoid conflict, that, too, can perpetuate codependent patterns. Codependency can develop gradually, as small compromises and sacrifices become habitual.

Signs of codependency in a friendship

A friendship has many moving parts, and it can be hard to detect codependent patterns when you’re in the thick of it. However, codependency in a friendship can manifest in several ways. Some signs to look out for include the following:

Enabling behaviors

If you find yourself constantly covering up or making excuses for your friend’s failings or harmful behaviors, that might indicate codependency.

People-pleasing

If you tend to prioritize your friend’s needs over your own, which typically leads to burnout and resentment, this is also a sign of a codependent dynamic. People-pleasing is also often due to a fear of abandonment or rejection.

Low self-esteem

People-pleasing is often connected to low self-esteem and a sense of personal worth. If you find yourself feeling worthless or inadequate without the friendship, that too can be a sign of codependency.

A lack of boundaries

Along with people pleasing, being unable to say “No,” and allowing your friend to overstep your personal limits, is another possible sign of codependency. When you don’t have boundaries, you might not carve out time to meet your own needs, leading to emotional exhaustion.

Not having proper boundaries may result in feeling an intense need for friendship to the point where you sacrifice your own well-being and happiness to stay friends, even when you know it’s not in your best interests. A lack of boundaries also results in enmeshment, which is where the lines of individuality are blurred, leading to a loss of personal identity.

Control and manipulation

Codependent people will often try and control the behavior of the people they enable. If you find yourself trying to control or manipulate your friend’s actions or emotions, that is a possible sign of codependency.

Constant drama

In a codependent relationship, there is a dynamic where one person constantly needs rescuing, and the other is always willing to swoop in and rescue them. Engaging in dramatic or crisis-like situations to feel alive or important becomes the norm.

Lack of personal growth

One of the effects of codependency is the neglect of personal development and goals due to an overemphasis on friendship. The relationship takes up so much space and energy that there’s little left for self-investment.

If you identify several of these signs in your friendship, it may indicate a codependent dynamic in the relationship. The good news is that there are ways to overcome codependency and establish a healthy dynamic in your friendship.

Overcoming codependent behavior

Overcoming codependent behavior is possible. It takes a willingness to look honestly at your relationship and how you and your friend relate to one another, and along with that self-awareness, it’s important to desire personal growth coupled with the intention to make real and lasting changes. It’s necessary to take steps such as establishing healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and working to cultivate a more balanced connection.

Some of the ways to overcome codependency include recognizing and accepting that the codependent patterns you’ve identified are real, and that there is a need for change. Along with this recognition is some necessary self-reflection, which will help you explore and seek to understand some underlying causes of your codependent behavior, including issues such as low self-esteem or unresolved past trauma.

Overcoming codependent behavior might also require:

Boundary setting

A healthy relationship requires that you establish and communicate clear limits with others. Learn to say “No” for your own well-being, and the other person has to also learn to take care of themselves. Learn how to express what you need in a clear, assertive, and respectful manner.

Practicing self-care

Along with boundary setting, recognize that your needs matter, and you need to prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Taking care of your needs requires nurturing another skill, developing your emotional intelligence. This is simply when you can recognize and manage your own emotions, including knowing when to step away from a situation, so you’re not overwhelmed.

Letting go of control

Instead of focusing on what other people need and trying to control what they do and feel, just focus on your own life. Release the need to control others’ actions. Focus on your own growth, taking time to celebrate progress and the achievements you make.

Exercising compassion toward yourself

Overcoming codependent tendencies is a journey; be patient and gentle with yourself as you stay committed to your growth.

Seeking support

Support might come in the form of a support group, trusted friends, or family. You can also consult with a mental health professional such as a therapist or counselor who can help you identify codependent patterns of behavior. Your counselor can walk with you in replacing these patterns with new, healthier ways of relating to others and yourself.

Help on the journey

If you are ready to begin exploring your relationships with codependent tendencies, reach out to our offices today. We can set up an appointment for you with a counselor from our office who will be skillful and eager to help you find new patterns for your relationships.