Parental Codependency: Identifying the Signs and Repercussions

Parental codependency refers to a parent whose identity, security, and sense of self-worth are dependent on the validation, approval, and emotional support of his or her child and who, to this end, uses excessive control and manipulation to keep the child from becoming independent as he or she grows older.

Causes of Parental Codependency

Parental codependency is a learned behavior often linked to growing up in a dysfunctional home where the parent, as a child, experienced excessive rigidity, control, criticism, or neglect and/or felt abandoned by a physically or emotionally absent primary caregiver. These emotional wounds persist into adulthood, and the parent subconsciously tries to compensate for their unmet needs by seeking validation and a sense of worth through their child.

Cyclical Nature of Parental Codependency

Parental codependency is a pattern of behavior that tends to be passed down from generation to generation. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home where your emotional needs were not adequately met, you are likely to carry these unresolved issues into your relationship with your child. This, in turn, influences your child’s identity and autonomy, causing him or her to develop similar tendencies and thus continue to perpetuate the codependent dynamic.

Signs Of Parental Codependency

Controlling behavior You feel insecure when your child makes decisions on their own and find ways to discourage them from acting independently, even if they are at an appropriate age to do so. You worry that your relationship with your child will weaken as he or she becomes more autonomous, so you do not give them the space they need to mature and grow.

Instead, you try to maintain control by being overly involved in their life and decisions, overprotective, and creating an emotionally suffocating environment that stifles your child’s growth, hinders their ability to make independent decisions, and impedes their natural journey toward autonomy.

Emotional fusion You feel responsible for your child’s feelings, believe their happiness depends on you alone, and take the blame for his or her struggles instead of letting them be accountable for themselves.

Your emotional well-being is so intertwined with their moods, achievements, and behaviors that you tend to absorb their happiness or distress as your own and view it as a direct reflection of your own self-worth. When they are happy, for instance, you feel good about yourself, but if they are angry, depressed, or sad, you take it personally and feel responsible, threatened, and afraid.

Blurred boundaries You are overly involved in your child’s life and so entangled with their emotional experiences that it makes it hard for you to set and maintain healthy boundaries. You view any effort they make to be independent as a threat to your identity and purpose, and tend to intrude on his or her privacy, downplay or dismiss their growing need for autonomy, and expect them to share all their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and plans with you.

Emotional manipulation At the root of parental codependency is a fear of abandonment and rejection. When your child tries to act independently, you use manipulative strategies such as emotional outbursts, passive-aggressive behavior, or guilt-tripping to try and maintain control and get them to do what you want.

For instance, when you are upset, instead of talking about it, you may indirectly express your displeasure, such as giving them the silent treatment or acting like a victim, blaming how you feel on your child, and using guilt to pressure them into behaving the way you want them to.

Micromanaging Fear of losing your emotional connection with your child leads you to become overly involved with the minute details of their life and to try and micromanage everything they do, from choosing their friends to controlling the activities they engage in, as well as making decisions on their behalf without considering their preferences or feelings.

Low self-esteem You have low self-esteem, and your sense of self-worth and identity are tied to your child’s moods, performance, and approval, making you overly reliant on them for validation of your own worth.

Lack of self-care You neglect taking care of your own needs and constantly sacrifice your desires and well-being to take care of your child’s needs, even when he or she is old enough to take care of them on their own.

Compromised relationships You feel you are responsible for your child’s happiness and believe you need to be available for them 24/7. As a result, you prioritize them above all else, including your relationship with your spouse, your career, and/or your associations with other people.

Role reversal You may see yourself as a victim and rely on your child for emotional and other support, reversing the parent-child role, and expecting them to take on age-inappropriate parental responsibilities such as caring for siblings and/or performing household chores like cleaning and cooking.

Dogmatic behavior You see yourself as selfless and focused only on the well-being of your child, and are in denial that there is anything wrong with your relationship. You believe that no matter what, you are always right, and instead of taking responsibility for your actions, you will blame your child for them.

Involving your child in adult conflicts Instead of keeping parental conflict between you and your spouse, you may use manipulation to force your child to take sides and agree with you in an argument.

Enabling. You find it hard to say no to your child’s requests, set limits, or enforce boundaries. Instead of disciplining them for bad behavior, you enable it by making excuses for them and doing things like lying to get them out of trouble because you don’t want them to get upset. You prefer being disrespected to risking losing their approval and being accused of being unloving or unkind.

Repercussions Of Parental Codependency

Parental codependency places a heavy burden on a child, making them feel responsible for meeting their parent’s emotional needs and leading them to prioritize their well-being over his or her own. This, in turn, can become a pattern that persists into adulthood, making it difficult for them to make their own needs known, set boundaries, form healthy relationships, and prioritize self-care.

In some cases, adult children who were guilt-tripped by a codependent parent acting like a martyr, emphasizing the sacrifices made for them, may even feel so burdened by guilt, indebtedness, and obligation that they forego pursuing their own dreams and goals

Studies have shown that children raised by codependent parents often become codependent themselves, have low self-esteem, an unclear sense of self, a misplaced sense of guilt, and a belief that love is conditional.

Constant control and attempts to micromanage their lives strips them of the opportunity to make choices and learn from their mistakes, inhibits the development of problem-solving and critical-thinking skills, can lead them to doubt their abilities and value, instill in them a fear of acting independently, and cause them to have trouble making decisions, because they were never given a chance to learn how to deal with the challenges of life on their own.

Benefits of Counseling for Codependent Relationships

The cycle can be broken. Meeting with a licensed mental health practitioner with experience in codependent behavior can help you recognize and address unhealthy behavioral patterns, pinpoint what’s at the root of them, learn how to reconstruct your family dynamics, and help restore a healthy parent-child relationship with your child.

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please contact us today.