4 Things Parents May Do that Perpetuate Emotional Trauma

Though most parents do their best to parent well, some may get it wrong sometimes. Even the best parent may treat a child in ways that cause damage unintentionally.

If you have reached adulthood and begun to wonder why you struggle with a certain aspect of life, you might find some answers if you evaluate your relationship with your parents as a child. Some parent-child relationship dynamics don’t change in adulthood even when they should. There is a chance that your parents may be perpetuating emotional trauma without either of you realizing it.

Hurt People

Whilst parenthood is fulfilling in the way that few other things in life are, it is also one of the biggest challenges most people will ever face. There has never been a shortage of resources on how to be a parent, and the spectrum of information on the topic ranges from useful to toxic. However, every parent has one innate source of information to draw from as they navigate parenthood: their own parents.

People tend to parent in the way they were parented, for good or bad. Unless there is a good reason not to, most people will carry down the values, beliefs, and behavior patterns they grew up with. This is also how trauma is perpetuated and passed down from one generation to the next, often without realizing that’s what they are doing.

For example, your grandparents might have run a strict household that prohibited many things. That kind of environment might have been normal for your grandparents, who lived in more austere times, but it might have caused emotional damage to your mother.

As the saying goes, hurt people, hurt people, hurt people, hurt people, hurt people, hurt people, hurt people, and your mother might have felt out of control trying to impose a strict rule on a family surrounded by a rapidly changing culture. The lack of control might have made her difficult to deal with, but her behavior can be traced back to her upbringing.

Hidden Traps

Trauma damages people’s emotions, much like heavy machinery tearing up the landscape. It leaves behind holes and voids, which become camouflaged over time and lie hidden. Later in life, when someone comes exploring, they might step on one of these damaged areas of your life and suddenly find themselves triggering some kind of emotional trap for you.

For example, a neglected child learns to build up a tolerance for ambiguous communication and solitude. When they become romantically involved with someone as an adult, they might struggle to have honest conversations. Letting someone into their private life might feel unnatural. To survive a loveless childhood, they had to normalize a certain way of living. Now, as adults, they begin to realize that there were many things that they missed out on.

Sometimes, the things we think are normal are far from it. We become familiar with the way our parents act, and we dismiss some of their problematic behavior because they have always been that way.

This is what perpetuates trauma. Some people dread having to see or speak to their parents because it brings familiar, horrible feelings to the surface, and they feel powerless to change things or help themselves. If you are someone who would rather avoid your parents, there is likely unresolved trauma that is still affecting you from childhood.

The Balance Shift

One of the most difficult aspects of parenthood is that it is a job that constantly changes. As kids grow up and go through one change after the next, your job as a parent must shift and change and allow for their growth. There will be times when your kids feel far from you, and when they become secretive and harder to control. All of that is natural and normal.

One of our roles as adult children of aging parents is to parent them. We do this by helping them come to grips with technology, as they once taught us to tie our shoes and make breakfast. We might have to provide for them financially or ensure that they are as physically and mentally healthy as possible.

A major part of this dynamic shift can also be confronting them about things in the past. Whether they were neglectful, abusive, or loving, there often comes a time when we need to speak about stuff that happened in childhood. Many parents will become defensive, some will become offensive, and others will be surprised to be talking about such matters.

However, the only way to resolve some emotional trauma is to identify it and confront it. Some parents continue to do things that perpetuate trauma, and it is your responsibility as their adult child to hold them accountable for it.

Four Things Parents May Do That Perpetuate Emotional Trauma

Some parents continue to traumatize their adult children only because they don’t realize the harm they are causing. Whether intentional or not, their actions may perpetuate emotional trauma. In that case, depending on the situation, it may be important to recognize, confront, and set up boundaries to protect yourself and your family from harmful tendencies in your parents.

Pressuring Their Adult Children to Live Out Their Ideals

It’s not uncommon for parents to always see their children as just that – children. On one hand, there is a sense of comfort in being treated as a child, but on the other, it can be traumatic. Some parents struggle to accept that their adult children are independent and can make their own choices, even if they now have different ideals, values, and goals

Belittling Aspects of Their Child’s Life

There are many ways to communicate displeasure and disapproval, but the one that some parents choose is belittling and mockery. When people grow up in homes where communication is always indirect and passive-aggressive, instead of saying what they don’t like, they make jabs and jokes at your expense. These jabs always come with enough plausible deniability to keep from making a scene. However, belittling is a form of microaggression and perpetuates trauma.

Blame Shifting

If adult children ever managed to bring up real topics of concern with their parents or tried to get answers for something they did in the past, the parent may not accept the blame. Though one of the reasons for this may be that they sincerely don’t think they can own the mistake for which they are being blamed, the other reason could be because they may be feeling shame and chose to blame shift to cover the shame they are experiencing. However, if they simply own up to their mistakes and hear their child out, they will find that it’s far easier to acknowledge what they did and apologize for it.

Favoring a Sibling

Many parents do not realize that they blatantly favor one sibling over the others. They wouldn’t admit to it if they were confronted with it. Few things are as triggering as being made to feel that one is not the favorite child. It is a sure way to feel like an angry young child again, regardless of age.

Getting Help to Work through Emotional Trauma from Parents

Most emotional trauma gets passed down and perpetuated from one generation to the next. You are not to blame for the way your parents hurt you, but you are responsible for confronting the trauma now. It’s not easy, and parents don’t always comply, but the only way out is through. The onus is on you.

No one automatically knows how to deal with unresolved trauma. It takes work and vulnerability, and someone helping you. If you would like to meet with a counselor to discuss any aspect of life you are struggling with, we can help. Contact us today, and we can connect you with a professional therapist who is trained in navigating the impact of childhood on your life.