A Christian Counselor’s Perspective On Self-Talk

Part 1 of a 2-Part Christian Counseling for Self-Harming Behavior

The topic of self-talk comes up a lot in counseling, mostly in terms of helping people exchange negative self-statements for more positive ways of speaking and thinking about themselves and their circumstances. In talking with people about this concept, I’ve learned that not everyone understands self-talk in the same way or even agrees that it can be a useful thing to look at.  All that to say, this article outlines some thoughts on self-talk, what it is and isn’t, and why it comes up so often in counseling.

The Interior Conversation:  Understanding Self-Talk

Self-talk is the ongoing conversation we hold with our self in our mind. It includes thoughts about ourselves (“I’m worthless” or “I’m not good at this”) as well as thoughts about our circumstances (“I’ll be stuck in this job forever” or “This will completely ruin my day”). We all hold these kinds of ongoing conversations with ourselves, and although we might not always be aware of it, these conversations have a significant impact on our mood and our behaviors.

Many of us get caught up in negative self-talk, sometimes without even being aware of it. This is an area where counselors can help, not only by helping a person become more aware of their self-talk but also by helping them change it to something more positive and productive.

Self-Talk:  An Example

John came to counseling because he wasn’t enjoying his work and wanted help deciding if he should change careers. Through talking with him the counselor realized that John actually really liked the job he had, he just wasn’t confident in his ability to do it well, so he was considering looking for something less demanding. John’s self-statement was “I’ll never be able to do this job well, it’s too hard for me.” Because this was how John was thinking, he had little motivation to put effort into learning how to do his job better because he just assumed he’d never be good at it. Through talking with the counselor John decided to experiment with changing his self-statement to “I’m not doing as well as I’d like to be doing in my job right now, but if I work hard I can learn how to do it better.” With this more optimistic perspective, John began putting more effort in at work and learning new skills. Over time he greatly improved in his ability to do his job well, and he decided to put any career changes on hold.

Clearly this is a very simplified example, but you get the idea. How we think affects our mood and our behaviors, and it’s easy to get caught up in a downward spiral if we’re not careful. I’m not saying that simply changing our thinking can solve all of life’s problems, but it can be a useful tool in helping us find a more positive perspective.

What Self-Talk Isn’t

One of the most common misconceptions about positive self-talk is that it’s the same thing as lying to yourself or putting on a happy face. But when understood fully, positive self-talk has nothing to do with trying to deceive yourself. For example, if you’re sad, simply telling yourself you’re happy isn’t of much use. So positive self-talk may not mean changing “I’m sad” to “I’m happy,” but it may mean changing something like “I’m sad, and I’ll never be happy” to “I’m sad right now, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be sad forever”. Positive self-talk is telling you the truth while remembering the positives. In the example above, John didn’t change his self-statement from “I’ll never be able to do this job well” to “I’m very good at my job,” because that wasn’t true. Instead, he changed his statement to a more optimistic, growth-oriented thought that motivated him to improve.

Christian Counseling Can Cultivate Positive Self-Talk

Self-talk comes up often in counseling because it’s a practical tool that can help people take steps in the direction they want to go. Many of us have the tendency to get caught up in unhelpful thought patterns and it can be valuable to have someone point this out to us help us change the language we use with ourselves. Just as our interpersonal language has a significant impact on those around us, so our intra-personal language (self-talk) has an impact on our mood and behaviors. Changing self-talk is surprisingly difficult as over time we actually wire our brains to think in certain ways. If you have noticed that you have a pattern of talking to yourself in negative ways, consider asking a professional counselor to help you identify these patterns and create new, more useful patterns. This is no small thing! Get your brain to work for you and you will be surprised at the power of your own thinking.

 

Photos
courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net  – positive thinking concept by KROMKRATHOG and  by Master isolated images